I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
