i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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