Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
