Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
