If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
