Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
