Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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