I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish you could order shots online.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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