I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
