Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
