the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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