his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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