i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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