sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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