Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
