I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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