dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
