i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
