you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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