In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
