At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
