Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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