I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
