Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
