those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
