I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
