I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
