not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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