Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
