I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
