He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
