Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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