we made out on top of his cat.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
