tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
