i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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