Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
