I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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