she looked like the before picture.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
