My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
