She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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