Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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