I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
