I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
