matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
