Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
