I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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