Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
