Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
