seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
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I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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