Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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