Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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