20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
