I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Randomize
