i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
