Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
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I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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