....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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