I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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