Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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