I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
