wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
zippers are such a cool invention
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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